Friday, October 17, 2014

Desperation

I am a 38 year old vibrant woman, trapped in a very obese body.
I know this is no shocker to anyone who has seen me. But the feelings I'm about to pour all over you through my words... you may not realize. 

I started out as an chunky child. I grew into a hefty teen. And then into an overweight young lady. Now, I'm an obese almost middle-aged woman. How did I get here? 

In my whole life I have been 'the sweet one'.  I'm the sweetie. I've always been ok with that, because I enjoy being sweet... I will say though, I have always longed to be beautiful too. Not just 'on the inside' Or, 'You have such a pretty face.'  Thanks, but you know what else is there or meant to be said. 

I've allowed my weight to creep up and leap up all my life. I finally ballooned in the past year. I'm not going to share my weight with you yet, simply because I cannot bear it. It is physically painful for me to speak it aloud or type it...
You will know soon though. 

I remember as a young person my family trying to encourage me to lose weight. As a little kid, I remember getting 'the look' at me because I wanted to eat so much. It was comforting. It still is. It was a pleasure. I had no self control over it. I'm just learning that now. Sigh... 
I went to weight watchers as a kid, as a teen, as a young adult. I went to weight clinics. Telling me to take this pill or drink this shake and don't eat. I tried my own things here and  there.  I even got to a point that I had made a promise to myself that I would lose some weight by my wedding anniversary as a gift to myself and my husband. Unable to do it by control, after the first 20 or so pounds, I began vomiting almost every time I had a meal. I lost. And then it all came back plus more. 

See, all this life of mine, I have been controlled by food. By not allowing myself to be self-controlled. It was a horrid, vicious, terrible feeling.

Now let me tell you who I am inside. I am strong. I've always been told how strong I am. There have been precious few things in my life that I have wanted that I did not achieve. I was very active despite my weight. I played softball, I learned to water ski. I remember very patient parents who would go round and round and round in the boat because I would not give up trying. I HAD to accomplish it. I HAD to do it. I couldn't accept the fact that I could not do it.
And eventually I did it and I did it WELL!
I then learned to drop a ski and before long I could even come up on one ski. It was something I wanted and I did it!
I played volleyball. I was in the band as a color-guard. I made color-guard captain in my senior year of high school. I made homecoming court, I made prom queen. I was outgoing and alive. I loved living!

I still do...

Although I have allowed hurt and pain to overcome my efforts. I allowed it to drown out that woman inside. If you really know me, you are allowed to see my real self. I have become timid though, because I am inside such a fat person. A person whom is hard to recognize. 

It became easier for me to stay away from people because of the embarrassment of myself. I felt ashamed that I have hurt my family because I am so big. I know that my husband and children honestly do not look at me that way... but I feel like it. I know they would be proud for me to be thinner, but they LOVE me unconditionally.  And for that I am beyond thankful. I don't think I would have been able to finally get to this point if it weren't for their love. 

One day I hit an all-time low. My family and I went to an amusement park. I wanted to share with them some of the most fun things I loved as a girl. I went to ride a ride with my kids and I could not fit. Right there in front of TONS of people, I was trying to get myself in a ride. I was so humiliated. I wanted to break down and cry right there in the amusement park. I wanted to run away and hide. I couldn't believe I had allowed myself to be so selfish that I was now hurting my family and having to be embarrassed publicly because *I* could not control myself enough to stop gaining weight and now I couldn't share in my favorite ride with my kids. 

I didn't change right then... I just held on to that hurt.

I've had to come out of my shell. I've had to get back into civilization. I've decided it's past time. My kids and my husband need it. I need it! There are people I love and I can bless... but I can't do it when I am hermitizing myself out of fear or shame. It's punishing everyone.

So, the change had to come.

Today I am thrilled to say that I'm down 41 lbs. I wrote the above months ago, when I determined I would begin. I still have lots to lose, but finally, I'm headed on the right direction. 
Thank You, Lord!! 
And thanks to Trim Healthy Mama 



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10 comments :

  1. I completely understand. I have been overweight my ENTIRE life. I know what it's like for people to say "you have such a pretty face," "you would be so much MORE beautiful if you lost some weight." My grandmother has seriously got me to try every single diet out there. I can't even tell you how many ive been on. Yeah, i've lost a little here or there. but never enough to amount to anything. I also quit smoking about 7 months ago and that has lead me to have pregnancy like cravings. cravings for food and comfort so bad that i make myself sick eating. I hate being like this. I hate being me sometimes. I envy women with smaller bodies. I want so bad to be more active and play outside with my son and not just sit there and watch him. I never want to be the mom on the sidelines! It makes me sick seeing myself. I put on tons of makeup and always try to fix my hair nice to mask my body. Sometimes I think if I look nice, people wont realize I have a "front butt" lol or that I am as wide as my son 2 year old is tall. You are an inspiration. My problem is I hear success story after success story about "this was the only thing that worked for me, or that worked better than anything." I just haven't had success with anything. I pray all the time that God would help me loose weight and be more healthy. I've always been able to say "well, at least I'm healthy even though I'm fat...." well, I can't really say that anymore. I'm having back trouble and joint pain and I feel like it'll never get better if I stay like this. Smoking actually helped curb the cravings, but i couldn't breathe to exercise and felt like a terrible person for smoking. God, just please help me! Just make me the woman and mother and wife you want me to be. Sometimes I feel like you want me to be fat to tell other women "it's ok to be large. I still love you!" other times I feel like a failure to everyone for giving up so easily and giving into negative thinking! Lord, I need your help. You are the only one who can help me.

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  2. You're brilliant and brave! I wish you continued success !!

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  3. Oh Chas!

    This is the 4th time I've tried to comment...my Wordpress doesn't want to work here for some reason...and my coffee's getting cold and my babies are starting to stir but I HAD to drop in and extend my hand of prayer and love and friendship and thanks.

    Such kinship I felt reading of your struggles. They match mine so closely. Thank you for sharing.

    I'll be keeping up with your progress and your sweet little blog. If you get a few minutes, come see me at mine, I think maybe we're long lost twins <3

    In Him,
    Cassandra (Cassy)
    at www.thiscrazylittlefarm.com

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  4. Thank you for being authentic and open and sharing this! I can relate to your story in so many ways....I am just starting this THM journey, and am thankful for the encouragement that your story offers! I pray that the rest of the journey continues well for you.....thank you again for being so open and making me feel so not alone!!

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  5. Stay the course and may you continue to rejoice in the freedom and FUN of living "on-plan" with THM!

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  6. Oh, you precious woman! Can I just say THANK YOU? I am so touched by your courage and sincerity in writing this. These are all things I've experienced and never had the guts to write about. I am happy for you, though, because THM is a wonderful way to eat and lose weight and get healthy all at the same time! May God bless you in your efforts

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  7. Sweet Chas,

    What a heartfelt post! I also struggle with my weight and it gets worse as I age...grrrr. Thanks for the encouragement you have given in sharing your story. You really are beautiful, don't forget that!

    Kindredly,
    Shan
    Honey Hill Farm

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  8. I am new to Trim Healthy Mama. I am still kind of confused. How did you get started?

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  9. Just finished reading this post and oh my I can truthfully say that I know exactly how you feel. Our family is living under so much stress and difficulty right now with my health issues and our precious daughter has recently been diagnosed as bi-polar. I have never weighed as much as I do right now. I have prayed and prayed and I am trying to claim God's promises every time that I feel so overwhelmed. Am sending prayers your way. Carolyn in Florida

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  10. I could have written this including the amusement park ride three years ago, except for the ski. On November 1, 2013 I weighed 242. I'm 5' 4" tall. I could not get control. On the edge of turning 50, I had weight loss surgery. I'm 162 pounds this morning and life has never been better. It's not just about losing weight, it's about my health. I haven't taken blood pressure meds since February 10. I don't have to have my A1c for diabetes checked every three months. Movement is so much easier. I'm PROUD of you. It's hard! Good job.

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