There comes a time in ones life, if you are honest, when you have to look at yourself and ask...
What am I doing?
Am I where I need to be as a Christian?
As a wife?
A teacher (in homeschooling Mom's case)?
Am I fully sold out for the Lord? Am I serving Him with ALL my heart?
Or am I giving Him the leftovers?
Am I walking hand in hand with my husband on the same path?
Or am I trying to sway his heart and mind?
Friends, I am going to be completely honest and real with you here.
For a long while, I just kept on believing I was doing exactly what I needed to be doing. I was blinded by my own pride. It's not easy to reveal to others that pride was welled up in me, but it was. I felt I was doing good by my husband, my kids, I was a good Christian... well, good enough.
I have been pulling my husband down a road that was not the path the Lord has for him. I was playing tug-o-war. Pulling, pleading, wanting my own selfish way... for many, many years.
My husband in his good-natured, loving way, would talk with me, but I didn't want to get it. I would eventually win him over, I thought.
Thankfully, I finally began to listen. To listen to what God has been wanting to show me for so very long. He has a job for me. It is to serve my husband to follow my husbands lead, to be his helper, to work alongside him. To serve my family. To serve The Lord.
Everything else is secondary.
I won't tell you I've been a wretched wife or mom, I haven't. I adore my husband and my kids. I love them and I serve them daily.... what I mean is.
My heart, it has not been in the right place.
I've wanted my own way.
This doesn't mean our, I mean my dream of a farm is never going to happen.
It doesn't mean we won't garden, or can, or keep chickens.
What it means is, I am letting go of my own way and truly asking The Lord to give me direction.
To help me serve my husband and our roles in the church more faithfully. To share our lives with others more openly. To hopefully point more people to the Amazing Love of our Savior.
I let my homesteading dreams become idols. They became TOO important to me. So important that I was short-changing the ones dearest to me.
I want my life to be a testimony to God's gracious love. I want to shout it from the rooftops, I want His Grace to flow out of me and onto those around me. I want to see others feel the deep, deep love of Jesus.
So forgive me friends, please.
My heart has returned to it's First Love.